Introduction:

NOTE: AI Generated with Gemini 2.5 Pro Deep Search

Orochimaru is not merely a villain; he is an enduring archetype within the shinobi world of Naruto. He represents the amoral, insatiable pursuit of knowledge, a philosophical rebellion against the natural limitations of humanity, and the theme of constant, serpentine transformation. His character arc—from a prodigious child of Konoha to a pariah among nations, and finally to a parent in a lab—serves as a dark mirror to the series’ primary themes of legacy, connection, and the cycle of hatred. He is the ultimate futurist, obsessed with progress and what comes next, even if it requires the complete destruction of the present.¹ To understand Orochimaru is to dissect the ouroboros, the mythical snake consuming its own tail, for he is a figure defined by self-consumption, cyclical rebirth, and a terrifyingly logical quest for eternal life.² This analysis will deconstruct the man behind the monster, examining the psychological traumas that forged his worldview, the complex philosophy that justifies his atrocities, and the web of relationships he both cultivated and corrupted. Through a critical lens, including the Machiavellian frameworks of author Robert Greene, this report will illuminate the core of a character whose motivations, while monstrous, stem from a deeply human terror of mortality and insignificance.

Part I: The Genesis of the White Snake – Formative Years and Ideological Seeds

To comprehend the monster, one must first understand the child. Orochimaru’s descent into villainy was not a sudden fall but a gradual, decades-long process rooted in childhood trauma, intellectual curiosity, and the brutal realities of a world perpetually at war.⁴ The seeds of his ambition were planted in the fertile ground of loss and watered by the blood of shinobi.

The Orphan’s Trauma: The Death of Parents and the Confrontation with Mortality

The foundational trauma that defines Orochimaru’s entire worldview is the death of his parents when he was very young.⁵ In a world where being an orphan is tragically common, particularly for shinobi of his generation, Orochimaru’s reaction was unique.⁵ Unlike characters like Naruto Uzumaki, who sought to fill the void of loss with connection and recognition, Orochimaru sought to conquer the very force that created the void: death itself. His teammate Jiraiya would later identify this loss as the definitive “turning point where he became obsessed with forbidden jutsu”.⁷

The narrative’s deliberate vagueness regarding his parents is a crucial thematic device. They are nameless, faceless figures, mentioned only in the context of their absence.⁵ This elevates Orochimaru’s trauma from a personal grievance against a specific, tangible loss to a philosophical war against the abstract concept of Death. His quest was never to reunite with his parents—a goal he could have theoretically attempted with the

Edo Tensei but never did—but to render the force that took them from him utterly irrelevant.⁷ This intellectualization of grief transformed a personal tragedy into an impersonal scientific problem to be solved.

The Symbol of the White Snake: Rebirth, Fortune, and the Turn to Kinjutsu

The pivotal moment in Orochimaru’s ideological formation occurs at his parents’ grave, as depicted in the manga.⁵ There, a young Orochimaru finds the shed skin of a white snake. His mentor, the Third Hokage Hiruzen Sarutobi, offers a comforting interpretation, explaining that the white snake is a symbol of good fortune and rebirth.⁵ For Hiruzen, this was a spiritual metaphor for renewal. For Orochimaru, it became a scientific blueprint for physical immortality. This divergence in interpretation highlights the fundamental schism between their worldviews. Where Hiruzen saw a platitude, Orochimaru saw a tangible goal, a natural process that could be studied, replicated, and perfected. This moment marks his definitive turn towards

kinjutsu (forbidden techniques) and his lifelong obsession with serpentine imagery and abilities.⁹ The snake, with its ability to shed its skin, became the perfect symbol for the constant process of self-recreation that would become his life’s work.²

A Prodigy in the Shadow of War: The Second Shinobi War and the Fragility of Life

Orochimaru, alongside Jiraiya and Tsunade, was a student of Hiruzen and a key figure in the Second Shinobi War.¹¹ It was during this brutal conflict that the trio fought the legendary shinobi Hanzo of the Salamander and were named the “Legendary Sannin” in recognition of their ability to survive the encounter.¹³ The war was a crucible that shaped all three, but it provided the empirical data for Orochimaru’s developing thesis on mortality. He witnessed the deaths of Tsunade’s younger brother, Nawaki, and her lover, Dan Kato, which reinforced his belief in the weakness and futility of human life.⁷ While Tsunade developed a crippling hemophobia and Jiraiya placed his faith in a prophesied savior, Orochimaru turned to science as the only logical solution to the problem of death.

His genius was recognized early by Hiruzen, who saw him as a prodigy of a generation but also detected a “malicious intent” and “greed” in his eyes from a young age.¹⁹ Hiruzen’s failure to address this darkness was critical. He later admitted that he ignored these warning signs because Orochimaru’s prodigious talent was a valuable asset during wartime.²² This reveals a systemic failure within Konoha; its military pragmatism created an environment where Orochimaru’s dangerous ideology was allowed to fester because he was a useful “weapon.” His descent was not just a personal failing but was enabled by a system that valued power over psychological well-being.

The Road Not Taken: An Analysis of What Orochimaru Might Have Become

There was a time when Hiruzen hoped Orochimaru would become his successor as the Third Hokage.²⁰ In his youth, he was a skilled instructor to pupils like Anko Mitarashi and was considered a brilliant, loyal ninja of Konoha.²⁰ Had the trauma of his parents’ death been processed differently, or had the constant warfare not provided a fertile ground for his nihilism, he might have become a figure akin to the Second Hokage, Tobirama Senju. Orochimaru deeply respected Tobirama as the greatest inventor of techniques but saw his natural lifespan as a tragic limitation he was determined to overcome.¹⁸ Had he been chosen as the Fourth Hokage over Minato Namikaze, his ambition might have been channeled into strengthening the village through scientific advancement rather than destroying it.⁹ This speculation frames his villainy not as an inevitability but as the result of specific psychological pressures and pivotal choices, both his and his mentor’s.

Part II: The Serpent’s Philosophy – Ethos, Pathos, and the Quest for the Ultimate Being

Orochimaru’s actions are guided by a coherent, albeit terrifying, philosophical framework. It is a worldview born from trauma, honed by scientific inquiry, and utterly devoid of conventional morality. He is not merely evil; he is a man who has transcended the traditional good-evil dichotomy in his singular pursuit of a self-defined purpose.

The Rejection of Ephemerality: Immortality as a Means to Infinite Knowledge

At its core, Orochimaru’s philosophy is a rebellion against the ephemeral nature of human existence. His primary, explicitly stated goal is to “learn all of the world’s secrets” and “master all techniques”.¹⁰ He is acutely aware that a single human lifespan is a laughably inadequate vessel for such a grand ambition.¹⁸ In his final battle with Hiruzen, he articulates this vision: “I want to obtain all the techniques and gain a true understanding of everything in this world… in order to obtain every possible technique and truth, it would require an eternity. Only one who understands everything… can be fittingly called the Ultimate Being”.²⁹

For Orochimaru, immortality is not the end goal; it is the necessary precondition for his true ambition: omniscience. This positions him as a dark Gnostic figure, one who believes ultimate meaning lies in the acquisition of hidden knowledge. The natural human lifespan is not a sacred cycle but a frustrating biological constraint on intellectual potential. His quest to become an “Ultimate Being” is a direct parallel to figures like the Sage of Six Paths, but his approach is fundamentally different. While others seek godhood through mystical power or prophecy, Orochimaru seeks it through scientific materialism. His “Ultimate Being” is not born of divine right but is built through the systematic acquisition of all jutsu, all knowledge, and all genetic material.¹⁹ He represents a transhumanist philosophy that rejects the spiritual and embraces the empirical, seeking to build a being that renders gods obsolete through perfect knowledge.

The Windmill and the Wind: A Philosophy of Motion, Disruption, and Observation

Orochimaru explains his worldview through the metaphor of a windmill: “I like to see moving things. They’re boring when they don’t move… I want to move the windmill with the wind called the Destruction of Konoha”.²⁹ This reveals a core belief in dynamism and a hatred for stagnation. He views the era of peace as “naïvely peaceful” and uninteresting.²⁹ This philosophy explains his seemingly chaotic actions. The “Konoha Crush” was not merely an act of revenge; it was an experiment in motion, a way to “make the windmill spin” and observe the results.

This philosophy undergoes a critical evolution that defines his character arc. Initially, he embodies active nihilism: believing life is meaningless, he decides to create his own meaning by becoming the “wind” that forces motion. After multiple defeats and observing his protégé Kabuto fail to become a perfect copy of him, he shifts to a form of absurdism.²⁰ He still accepts the world’s fundamental meaninglessness, but his role changes from being the primary force of change to being an observer of other, more potent forces—namely, Sasuke Uchiha.¹ He finds meaning not in

creating the chaos, but in the “interesting” act of watching it unfold. This is the philosophical foundation for his later “redemption.”

Values and Beliefs: Finding Meaning and “Interesting Things” in a Purposeless World

Orochimaru’s worldview aligns with existentialist or absurdist thought.³³ He tells a young, despairing Kimimaro, “Maybe, just maybe, there is no purpose in life. But if you linger a while longer in this world, you might discover something of value in it”.¹⁷ This suggests a belief not in inherent meaning, but in the creation or discovery of personal value through experience. His chosen “value” is knowledge and scientific discovery, driven by an insatiable curiosity.³² This belief system provides the justification for his amoral actions. If there is no inherent cosmic purpose, then traditional morality is merely a social construct. The only valid pursuit is one’s own self-defined goal. For Orochimaru, a human life is valuable only insofar as it can contribute to his research or serve as an “interesting” phenomenon to observe.

Core Fears and Primal Motivations: The Terror of Stagnation and the Insatiable Drive for Discovery

Orochimaru’s greatest fear is not just death, but the limitations it imposes: the end of learning, the decay of a brilliant mind trapped in a fragile body.¹⁸ He looks upon his aging former master, Hiruzen, with a mixture of pity and disgust, seeing his decline as a pointless and preventable tragedy.¹⁸ His primal motivation is that of a scientist who wants to see the next discovery, and the one after that, for all eternity. He is a “dark futurist” terrified of intellectual and physical finality.¹ This fear, born from the loss of his parents, was exacerbated by witnessing the endless, meaningless deaths during the Shinobi Wars, solidifying his resolve to escape the same fate.⁷

Part III: A Web of Connections – Relationships, Loyalty, and the Capacity for Love

Despite his solipsistic philosophy, Orochimaru’s journey is defined by his relationships. He is a master manipulator who understands the intricate workings of the human heart, using that knowledge to build a web of connections that serve his ultimate purpose. However, these connections also reveal the humanity he chose to discard and the capacity for affection he perverted into a tool for control.

The Fractured Family: The Bonds and Breaks with Jiraiya and Tsunade

Team Hiruzen was a found family, a trio of prodigies forged in the crucible of war.¹² Despite their profound ideological differences, a deep and complex bond connected them.¹⁶ Jiraiya, in a parallel to Naruto’s pursuit of Sasuke, never fully gave up on his friend, always hoping to bring him back from the brink.¹⁶ Tsunade, for all her opposition, still envisioned a world where he was their friend in her Infinite Tsukuyomi dream, a testament to the connection they once shared.³⁶

Orochimaru’s later reflection on Jiraiya’s death is particularly telling: “People change. It’s just a matter of whether they die before that happens. Although ‘He’ (Jiraiya) died just the way he is”.²⁹ This statement is layered with a cynical validation of his own philosophy (change or die) but also a rare, almost regretful acknowledgment of his friend’s unwavering character. These relationships represent the primary source of pathos for Orochimaru, a constant reminder of the path of connection he deliberately abandoned.

The Oedipal Conflict: Hiruzen Sarutobi as Father, Master, and Ultimate Obstacle

After the death of his parents, Hiruzen became Orochimaru’s “only source of affection” and a surrogate father figure.⁶ Hiruzen, in turn, saw Orochimaru as his prized student and a potential successor to the title of Hokage.²⁰ This paternal bond makes their eventual conflict deeply tragic. Orochimaru’s attack on Konoha culminates in a direct, emotionally charged battle with his former master.³⁹ By killing Hiruzen, Orochimaru symbolically kills the “father” and the entire ideological system he represents: the “Will of Fire,” the acceptance of natural limits, and the moral order of the village. It was a necessary act in his philosophical rebellion to overthrow the established law and replace it with his own.

The Disciples of the Serpent: Manipulation, Loyalty, and the Cult of Personality

Orochimaru’s leadership style is a masterclass in psychological manipulation. He finds “impressionable children that are lost in life” and offers them a purpose, a place to belong.⁴² He preys on individuals with a profound psychological void: Kabuto Yakushi’s lack of identity after being used and discarded by Konoha’s black ops ⁴³; Kimimaro’s caged existence as a clan’s weapon ¹⁷; and the Sound Four’s desire for power and recognition. In return for a purpose, they give him a fanatical, self-sacrificing loyalty.⁴²

This intense devotion is not simple admiration; it is a psychological phenomenon akin to trauma bonding. Orochimaru targets individuals at their most vulnerable, isolates them, and becomes their sole source of validation and power. This creates an intense dependency where loyalty is fused with the subordinate’s very sense of self-worth. They are loyal not just out of fear, but because they have been conditioned to believe they would be “nothing” without him.

The Coveted Vessel: The Predatory Mentorship of Sasuke Uchiha

The relationship between Orochimaru and Sasuke Uchiha is a dark, predatory inversion of the master-student dynamic. Orochimaru’s initial interest is purely utilitarian: he desires Sasuke’s body as a powerful vessel for his soul, one that comes with the coveted Sharingan.²⁷ He meticulously manipulates Sasuke by exploiting his deepest traumas—the Uchiha clan massacre and his burning thirst for revenge against Itachi—offering him the power to achieve his goal.⁴⁶ Their relationship is entirely transactional, with Orochimaru grooming his “student” for eventual consumption.⁴⁹

Orochimaru’s capacity for “love” is revealed here as purely narcissistic. He values others only as they relate to his own goals and self-image. Sasuke is the ultimate prize, the perfect vessel to contain and perpetuate his consciousness. His “mentorship” is not about Sasuke’s well-being but about how Sasuke can serve, validate, and advance his own immortal project.

Part IV: The Serpent Uncoiled – Character Arc and Ultimate Vision

Orochimaru’s trajectory through the series is one of constant evolution. He is a character defined by his ability to adapt, survive, and re-create himself, shedding old skins and ideologies as they cease to serve his ultimate purpose.

The Apex Predator: The Konoha Crush and the Akatsuki Years

Orochimaru’s introduction during the Chunin Exams established him as a terrifying and unpredictable threat, a force of nature that shattered the relative peace of the story’s early arcs.¹⁴ His invasion of Konoha, the assassination of the Fourth Kazekage, and his mortal combat with his former master Hiruzen cemented his status as the series’ premiere antagonist.¹⁴ He was also a former member of the Akatsuki, partnered with Sasori, though his tenure was a means to an end. He joined the organization for its resources and to study its powerful members, but he left after his failed attempt to steal Itachi Uchiha’s body.¹⁹ Even after his departure, the Akatsuki continued to view him as a significant threat, a testament to his power and cunning.²⁷ This period represents Orochimaru at his most actively malevolent, the “wind” deliberately causing destruction to further his research and secure his next vessel.

Rivalries and Foils: What Conflicts with Itachi and Jiraiya Reveal

Orochimaru’s confrontations with his greatest rivals serve to illuminate his own limitations. Itachi Uchiha represents a genetic and intellectual wall he cannot overcome. In their two encounters, Itachi defeats him with humiliating ease, primarily through the overwhelming power of the Sharingan’s genjutsu.¹⁴ Orochimaru’s rare admission that “Itachi is stronger than I am” is the driving force behind his obsession with acquiring an Uchiha body; it is the one power he cannot create through science alone.³⁴

Jiraiya, his former teammate, represents his philosophical opposite. Their battles are always colored by their shared history, with Jiraiya perpetually attempting to “save” his lost friend.³⁷ While Orochimaru’s ruthlessness often gives him an edge, Jiraiya’s mastery of Sage Mode—a power achieved through harmony with nature—represents an ideal that Orochimaru fundamentally could not grasp. His own body was incompatible with perfect Sage Mode, forcing him to rely on scientific workarounds like the Curse Mark, which harnesses natural energy through a parasitic medium.¹⁸ These foils highlight the core deficiencies in his worldview: he is defeated by the genetic power he covets and the natural harmony he scorns.

The Unlikely Redemption: The Fourth Great Ninja War and the Shift in Perspective

After being revived by Sasuke from a curse mark on Anko Mitarashi, Orochimaru undergoes a significant shift in his approach.²⁰ He claims this change was prompted by observing Kabuto, who failed in his attempt to become a perfect imitation of him. This failure, he states, made him realize his own path was flawed.²⁰ He pivots from wanting to possess Sasuke to being “curious” about the different path his former apprentice is forging.¹

This “redemption” is not a moral awakening but an act of supreme pragmatism. Recognizing the existential threat posed by Madara and Kaguya—a threat that would end his own research and existence—he makes a calculated choice to aid the Allied Shinobi Forces. His crucial contribution, reviving the first four Hokage using the Edo Tensei, is instrumental in turning the tide of the war.³⁵ This act, along with healing Tsunade, earns him a conditional pardon, allowing him to continue his existence under constant surveillance.³⁰ He sides with the lesser of two evils to ensure there is a world left for him to experiment in.

The Parent in the Lab: Orochimaru’s Role and Evolving Vision in the Boruto Era

In the era of Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Orochimaru has achieved a stable form of immortality by inhabiting a body cultivated from White Zetsu cells.¹⁸ With his own survival secured, his focus shifts to a new, long-term experiment: the creation of artificial life. He creates his “son,” Mitsuki, not as a future vessel, but as a truly independent being whose development he wishes to observe with scientific detachment.¹ He is an attentive, if unconventional, parent, even attending parent-teacher meetings and encouraging Mitsuki to forge his own path.⁶⁶ He has also embraced a fluid identity, telling Mitsuki that he has been both a man and a woman and should simply be considered a “parent”.⁶⁸

This represents the final stage of his philosophical evolution. Having spent his life chasing or creating “wind” to turn the “windmill” of the world, his creation of Mitsuki is his ultimate experiment. He has engineered a new, independent force of nature and set it loose to observe its trajectory. Mitsuki is not just a son; he is Orochimaru’s living thesis on identity and free will, a self-sustaining “windmill” that can satisfy his endless curiosity for eternity.

Part V: An Analysis Through the Lens of Robert Greene

Orochimaru’s character can be uniquely illuminated through the amoral, strategic frameworks of author Robert Greene. His entire life is a practical application of the principles of power, mastery, and seduction, albeit in their most extreme and perverse forms.

The Prince of Otogakure: Orochimaru and The 48 Laws of Power

Orochimaru’s modus operandi is a masterclass in the principles outlined in The 48 Laws of Power.⁷⁰ He is a consummate strategist who understands that power is a game of appearances, deception, and control. He embodies laws such as

Law 18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself—Isolation is Dangerous, creating a vast, decentralized network of hideouts and spies rather than a single, vulnerable stronghold.¹⁹ His entire method of survival is a literal interpretation of

Law 25: Re-create Yourself, as he physically sheds old bodies for new ones.¹⁹ His approach to recruitment is a perfect example of

Law 27: Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cult-like Following, as he gathers disenfranchised and lost souls by offering them a singular, compelling purpose: serving him.⁴²

The following table provides a structured analysis of his most prominent applications of these laws:

Law Number and Title	Specific Example from Orochimaru’s History	Analysis of Outcome/Effect
Law 3: Conceal Your Intentions	Disguising himself as the Fourth Kazekage to infiltrate the Chunin Exams and assassinate Hiruzen.20	Achieved total surprise, destabilized two great nations, and allowed him to engage his primary target under his own terms.
Law 8: Make Other People Come to You – Use Bait if Necessary	Offering Sasuke the power to defeat Itachi, forcing Sasuke to seek him out and willingly leave Konoha.46	Shifted the dynamic from predator chasing prey to a twisted master/supplicant relationship, giving Orochimaru complete control over Sasuke’s development.
Law 11: Keep People Dependent on You	Bestowing the Curse Mark on his followers, a source of great power that only he could fully control or bestow.24	Ensured loyalty and servitude, as their enhanced abilities were inextricably linked to him, making betrayal difficult and costly.
Law 25: Re-create Yourself	The Living Corpse Reincarnation technique, allowing him to shed old, decaying bodies for new, powerful ones.19	The literal embodiment of this law. He physically and existentially recreates himself, defying death and adapting his identity to his needs.
Law 27: Create a Cult-like Following	Founding Otogakure and recruiting lost souls like Kimimaro by giving their lives a singular purpose: serving him.42	Fostered fanatical, self-sacrificing loyalty, providing him with a disposable army and devoted lieutenants to carry out his will.
Law 29: Plan All the Way to the End	Creating multiple backups of his consciousness within his curse marks, ensuring his survival beyond physical death.6	Ensured his survival beyond physical death. Even when sealed by Itachi, his revival was a pre-planned contingency, demonstrating ultimate foresight.

The Perverse Master: The Quest for Knowledge and Greene’s Mastery

Orochimaru’s life can be viewed as a dark, twisted version of the path to Mastery described by Greene.⁸¹ His “Life’s Task” is the obsessive pursuit of all knowledge, a calling he felt from a young age.⁸⁴ His time in Konoha under Hiruzen served as his “Apprenticeship Phase,” where he absorbed the foundational rules of the shinobi world only to later break them.⁸² His endless, unethical experiments represent his “Creative-Active Phase,” a state of constant innovation where he pushes all moral and scientific boundaries.⁸⁴ He perfectly embodies the “obsessive element” that Greene deems essential for true mastery.⁸⁴ However, unlike the masters Greene profiles, Orochimaru’s path is entirely solipsistic. He seeks no benefit for humanity; his mastery is for self-aggrandizement alone. He is the master who refuses to be surpassed and instead consumes his apprentices.

The Ideal Lover Archetype: Manipulation and The Art of Seduction

Orochimaru’s method of recruitment aligns perfectly with Greene’s “Ideal Lover” seducer archetype.⁸⁸ This archetype does not rely on their own charm but on meticulously studying their target to discover what is missing in their life—their deepest insecurities and fantasies—and then reflecting that ideal back at them.⁸⁹ He did this with Kabuto, offering him an identity when he had none; with Kimimaro, offering him a purpose when he was a discarded tool; and with Sasuke, offering him the power to achieve his revenge. He “seduces” them not with romance, but with the promise of fulfilling their deepest psychological needs, making them fall completely under his spell and creating a powerful, toxic dependency.⁸⁹

A Student of Human Nature: Orochimaru’s Understanding of Psychological Weakness

Synthesizing these frameworks, it becomes clear that Orochimaru’s success as a villain is predicated on his amoral but profound understanding of what Greene calls “human nature”.⁸² He understands that people are driven by self-interest, envy, insecurity, and the need to believe in something greater than themselves. He is a master at identifying and exploiting each person’s “thumbscrew” (Law 33).⁷⁰ His entire empire of followers and his influence over key characters are built not on jutsu alone, but on his chilling ability to read and manipulate the human heart.

Conclusion: The Immortal Scientist

Orochimaru’s journey is a chilling odyssey from a traumatized child to a scientific monster, and finally, to a detached, observational parent. He is one of the few villains in the Naruto saga who can be said to have “won.” He achieved his primary goal of immortality and is now free to continue his research in perpetuity, having outlasted his enemies and the very systems that once condemned him.¹ His legacy is a complex and unsettling one. He stands as a testament to the seductive power of knowledge untethered from morality and ambition without empathy. His continued existence in the

Boruto era serves as a constant, disquieting reminder of the darkness that the shinobi world has chosen to tolerate in the name of pragmatism and progress. He is the snake in the garden, forever changed by his journey, but never truly tamed.

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The pelgrane asked in its gravelly voice, “Where are you going, alone at night, with your white skin shining so, like a beacon in the dark?”

“I head North, to the Fer Aquila mountains,” Prexil answered. He continued, “wherefore are you in this place, madame pelgrane?”

“I am hungry. I have several small mouths to feed, for my nest is full. My eggs having recently hatched. Five squawking, ravenous little man-eaters!” the pelgrane said, turning its head at an angle to measure Prexil with one beady, bulging eye. It then clacked its beak, showing rows of long, sharp teeth. “Are you a ghost?”

“No… no ghost am I, but a demonolator, flesh and blood… but not the kind of flesh which would nourish you. One nip, Lady Fiend, and you would writhe in spasms of pain. Dying, perhaps… before every of node interior tissue was affected by a radically exteriorizing provulsion before exploding into plasm. The spasms are not always the cause of mortification. Sometimes it is the provulsion and dynamic, expulsing plasmafication. It is a matter of conjecture as to which is the more painful of the two.”

The pelgrane pursed the long, fleshy lips which lined the edges of its bony beak and considered this, then pronounced, “I am not familiar with this term, ‘demonolator,'” as it hopped twice, moving a bit closer to Prexil.

At this, Prexil straightened and then relaxed, smiling a disturbingly knowing smile. He replied, “Discerning the meaning is of no great difficulty, it means ‘one who relates with demons, often by way of worship.'”

The pelgrane cocked its head to the opposite side, and with a new eye looked him up and down. “Ah, so you are a demon worshiper. I have never before eaten one of those.”

Prexil laughed and made a gracious bow at the waist, flourishing an arm.

“Are you also a wizard?” the pelgrane continued, asking, “Do you carry with you an array of many spells?”

Prexil’s smile widened, “Oh, indeed so. Would you like me to list them?”

The pelgrane hopped again, now the reach of two arms away from Prexil. It smiled. “Oh, yes. I am always impressed by such pronouncements from delicious men folk.”

“I believe I know one, in particular, of which I am most certain you have never heard.”

“Indeed?” asked the pelgrane, making another hop, getting close to being an arm’s length from Prexil.

“Most certainly so. Are you familiar with Shan’s Invocating Vortex of Exsanguination?” Prexil’s smile widened into a sinister grin that caused the pelgrane to take a half-hop back. Then Prexil pulled back his sleeves and raised both hands.

“There is no need…” started the pelgrane, but the pronouncement of Shan’s Invocating Vortex of Exsanguination is short, and Prexil was well practiced.

The pelgrane screamed a piercing, desperate cry and tried to leap into the air, beating its great wings, but already its blood was being ripped from it in great, rope-like streams, swirling into a crimson whirlwind before Prexil. His hands moved in stirring eldritch motions, and he laughed a terribly child-like, girlish laugh, full of scorn and mockery.

“But I have babies!” the pelgrane wailed as it fought to twist and fly itself free from the unseen pull.

“Do not worry over them, mistress,” Prexil advised, “Their deaths shall be quick. I will find them… and feed them to Shan!”

The sanguine vortex burst and flashed with dark, red-purple light. The pelgrane fought, flapping with a pleaful desperation to save its life, causing a stir of detritus and the great limbs to creak on nearby trees, to no avail. It was as if ropes of pulsating blood had caught it and were pulling it toward an infernal, churning, rotating storm.

The spell sucked blood and skin and then muscle, sinew, and then bone. It extruded the stuff of the pelgrane from the creature in several curving, writhing streams, into the vortex, which summoned Shan, prince of demons from 23rd dimension of the Underworld.

Epic makes these snack/meal replacement bars composed mostly of dried “non-cured” meat.

The meat is cured using celery powder which has naturally occurring nitrites in it, which are curing agents.  I wish manufacturers would stop the bullshit with this “no nitrites added” claim.

Anyway, it’s cured meat, like jerky.  And each bar has a jerky-like taste and consistency.

Overall, the texture of the meats has been dry and not tender, but not as tough as jerky.  Some of the bars come apart when you bite into them, and you quickly realize that this bar is composed of small, individual pieces of meat which have been compressed together.

The bar that had the best texture was lamb, which was fairly soft.  I enjoyed the texture and taste of the bar.  The worst so far was the turkey, which was dry and obviously particulated.

I got a sampler, and I’ll go through my experiences with each.

Bison: Bacon Cranberry

The bar was a bit dry, and a little tough.  The taste was decent.  The overall taste was sweet and savory, and I enjoyed the cranberries, which were whole and not at all bitter.  You can taste the bacon.  The overall flavor, however, like with most of these bars was very “jerky-ish.”  I don’t think this is one that I would purchase again.  5 out of 10.

Bison: Habanero Cherry

Same texture as above.  The cherry flavor is mostly sweet and mild.  You can barely recognize it as cherry.  I would have preferred more tartness.  The tartness of cherry is almost non-existent.  Also, you can barely perceive the habanero, which to me was very disappointing.  I know habanero is too hot for most people, but I like it.  The concept of the bar is wonderful.  The combination of cherry, habanero, and bison sounds awesome.  The delivery, however, is lackluster.  4 out of 10.

Turkey: Almond Cranberry

Driest texture of any of the bars, a little tough but not really.  It is dry in your mouth, and the inclusion of nuts doesn’t help that.  The flavor isn’t so bad, but it’s really dry and you can barely taste the cranberries.  Unlike the bison bar, this bar had no identifiable cranberry in it.  The moisture of a whole cranberry every so often would have been welcome.  I almost couldn’t eat this bar.  2 out of 10.

Lamb: Currant Mint

Best texture out of all of them.  It was soft and savory, and a little moist.  I could not taste the mint.  The currant offers a sweetness, but not a strong currant flavor.  I think jacking up the mint and currant flavor would have helped a bit.  Despite that, I really liked this bar.  While I was eating it I thought, “Yeah, this is something I could eat everyday, no problem.”  7, maybe 8, out of 10.

More to come as I consume more of the sampler…

I am a total soda and cola addict.  I have gotten so used to drinking something sweet and carbonated with a zing that if I spend a day without having one, I will really miss it.

I’ve tried to quit, and I’ve found quitting soda harder than quitting cigarettes.

But, do you really have to quit? I’ve come to find that, no, you do not!

I bought myself a SodaStream a long time ago and have played around with ideas for healthy soda substitutes, and I’ve finally hit on something.

The soda I make is sugar free, healthy, and actually delicious.  It’s something I look forward to drinking.  And it’s easy to make.

All you need is a good brand of stevia (I prefer KAL), some packets of fruit/berry tea you like, and some apple cider vinegar.

I let three packets of tea steep in a cup of hot water until fully cooled and infused with flavor.  I add this to the SodaStream 1 liter bottle and fill the rest of the space up with filtered water.  I charge the water to the desired level of carbonation.  I then add 3 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar and 3 little scoops of stevia (the KAL stevia comes with a tiny spoon) to the container, close it, and give it a vigorous shaking.

I’ll either drink it right there with some ice or put it in the fridge to cool.

It really is delicious.  You get the health benefits from the tea (if any) along with the health benefits of pure water (if you’ve filtered it well) and apple cider vinegar… all in a delicious, tangy, excitingly sweet beverage that feels like a total indulgence!

I hope you try it. You’ll get hooked.

I recently watched a video on youtube in which actor Brad Dourif talks about his hair transplant.

There are several uncomplimentary, undignified cuts to a closeup of his hairline during the interview.  The piece was obviously concocted as an advertisement for the doctor or clinic which performed the procedure.

I have mixed feelings about cosmetic surgery. On the one hand, I think it is pure vanity. Ideally, it would be better for us to accept the indignities and problems of old age, as these make us more human and, to use a cliché, “build character.”  On the other hand, even at age 44, I can see how frail our egos are and how hard it can be to deal with the realities of aging.

As I watched the video, I felt bad.  I like Brad Dourif.  I admire him.  He is a talented actor and an intelligent man.  While his performances can be over the top,  they can also be sublime.  It is too bad that he has been typecast.

I like him.  And it made me a little sad and disappointed to see his reaction to his implant. I would like to think he was above such things, but he is not.

The video made me ask myself, “Well, who is?”

You can see, if you watch it, that he is happy and proud of his results.  He was ashamed of his receding hairline, and now he is not, because it is gone.  He repeated lines which I suspect were fed to him by the clinic.  He claims that he thinks he is getting more roles and that appearance is important for an actor.  I am sure those considerations are true, but those reasons, I think, serve to hide the real reason he had the procedure: ego and vanity.

I think I am too idealistic, and in being too idealistic I am judgmental.  They are both bad things.

So, we are human.  Because we are human we are imperfect.  We are vain.  We have fragile egos.  We care more about superficial things in daily life than the deeper values which should really matter.  We take action to improve our appearances, while we do little to fundamentally improve ourselves and our world.  Trivialities preoccupy us.

So, that is the way it is.  Perhaps it is a mistake to think by having one we deny ourselves the other.  Perhaps it is possible to be flawed and noble at the same time? Perhaps a preoccupation with our petty human flaws (ego, vanity, jealousy, gossip, etc.) is just as bad as (or maybe worse than) a preoccupation with our appearance?

I guess I never considered it that way, but it’s true.  I think being too idealistic is a way of being petty.

Recently, I had an opportunity to talk candidly with someone who greatly resembled an authority figure who was prominent during many years of my early childhood. She was curious and asked me about my childhood, what kind of child I was, if I was philosophical as a child or not.

I found myself spilling the beans on many issues I had as a child, which I would never have disclosed to such a person when I was young. I talked about how I related—rather how I did not relate—to social groups and how I was generally treated by other children.

I spoke about it easily, a-matter-of-factly, and she listened and nodded. She commiserated with me on a few points.

I enjoyed the conversation, but thought nothing of it for a while.

That evening, while at home, I found myself going through various memories and issues I had, processing them, talking to myself about them, thinking about things I wish I had said and to whom and how I wish I had said them.

I realized that my younger self needed a good talking to that he never got. He needed to have what he was going through discussed and explained to him from an adult perspective. He needed to learn about understanding people, opinions, biases, and the reactions people have to various phenomena and why they have the reactions they do.

I needed to understand that people often react out of ignorance, social conditioning, or out of something base, animal. The fact that person or even a whole group of people is/are being ugly to you doesn’t mean that you are ugly. What it certainly means, however, is that they are being ugly. A person should understand these issues in a way that enables  him or her to realize that another person’s ugliness does not reflect on oneself. It reflects on the other person.

I also needed to learn about values, social values, and how they work—that different cultures have different values, different beliefs about what is good, bad, ugly, beautiful, worthwhile, worthless, and so forth. These things are not cut into stone. They are often arbitrary. There is something of value to be found in every human being as he or she is. No one should have to feel like he or she has to put on an act to be worthwhile, accepted, or lovable. It does not matter what a group thinks or communicates about their opinions about your worth. It is what you realize about yourself that matters.

I went to sleep and had some unusual dreams in which I started to take charge of events. There was one part of the dream where I took a gun and fired it at bandits. Usually in my dreams guns misfire or something else happens that makes the gun useless. In this dream, however, I fired the shots confidently and scared the hell out of the bandits and made them think twice about their shenanigans, letting them know that if they were violent, then I’d be violent too and that they’d have to pay for it—maybe more than they were willing to.

After I woke up, I was beset by a series of ideas.

It occurred to me that understanding alone isn’t enough. One must have the courage to face that of which one is afraid. It is ok to have fear. You will never rid yourself of it. What is important is that you learn to be yourself even though you have fear—to somehow become comfortable with it and be able to be yourself and respond as yourself while within its presence.  Live your own truth. Give testimony to your truth when others try to squelch it.

Then you can try to lessen or rid yourself of fear. If you try to do it before then, you will simply still be afraid of fear. You will be avoiding fear. Fear must be faced, and it must ultimately be faced down.

So, no, fear. Not today. Not now. I’m willing to take the risk and pay the price for being myself.

I would like to somehow make it easier to be courageous and to face my fear. I know that this is trying to avoid fear, but I would seriously like to have a little something in my corner helping me out in times of trouble.

I think I am going to make a list of many times I have been courageous in various ways and go through those experiences in my mind until I learn something that might help me when the proverbial shit hits the fan or it looks like it will.

Long story short, it was a wonderful thing to have serendipitously told an authority figure something I wish I had said, and said and discussed often, over 35 years ago. It was very therapeutic. I had no idea that doing so would have such an effect.

Among other media and information, the Voyager Probe contains this statement by Jimmy Carter:

“This Voyager spacecraft was constructed by the United States of America. We are a community of 240 million human beings among the more than 4 billion who inhabit the planet Earth. We human beings are still divided into nation states, but these states are rapidly becoming a single global civilization.

We cast this message into the cosmos. It is likely to survive a billion years into our future, when our civilization is profoundly altered and the surface of the Earth may be vastly changed. Of the 200 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, some–perhaps many–may have inhabited planets and spacefaring civilizations. If one such civilization intercepts Voyager and can understand these recorded contents, here is our message:

This is a present from a small distant world, a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts, and our feelings. We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours. We hope someday, having solved the problems we face, to join a community of galactic civilizations. This record represents our hope and our determination, and our good will in a vast and awesome universe.”

It was among several images I found on an imgur page from a link on reddit.  I had seen some of the images before, but do not remember having ever read his statement.

I think it’s beautiful.

For much of of my adult life, I have found myself jaded–especially within the past 10 or so years.  But seeing the images of human life and knowledge contained on Voyager as well as the president’s statement, it re-acquainted me with the friendliness and innocence of mankind.  It also filled me with a sense of hope.

There are those among us who are intelligent and friendly, those who want to greet, cooperate, and share.  This, I think, is the essential human spirit.  It is what makes us who we are, and it is the hope for our species.  Our hope does not lie in provincialism, anger, greed, or smugness–things of which I have seen a lot in people lately.

I think that looking at the content of Voyager is important.  It gives us a particular view of mankind.  We are children in a big universe.  We have to cooperate if we, as a species, are going to reach adulthood.

A nice guy somehow acquires psychic powers. He finds he can telepathically receive the thoughts of those around him. At first he is fascinated, surprised, and disturbed by a new voice in his head. He’s waiting in the subway for the train to arrive and looking at another guy. He hears, “Why is that weirdo looking at me?” He realizes that he either must be going crazy or he’s actually hearing another person’s voice in his mind. Afraid, he looks around. As his gaze frantically shifts from person to person, he hears the voice of each. The number of voices and a growing sense of pressure both mount. He freaks out and runs away, hearing the echoes of thoughts like, “Jesus, crazy freak!” and “What the hell is wrong with him?” and “Fucking crazies …”

Sooner or later, he meets a mentor. Some person catches his eye and projects, “I know you can hear me. It’s ok.” Suddenly, the other voices vanish. The mentor continues, telepathically, “You need to learn how to control it. Otherwise, you’ll lose yourself and won’t know which thoughts are yours.”

This scene or one very much like it appears in a number of movies in which a character learns he has somehow developed the power to read minds. In doing so, the person, usually a nice guy who has miraculously peachy keen, nonjudgmental thoughts, will say something like, “They are so ugly … I never knew people had such ugly thoughts.” I guess he’s the hero, and we have to identify with him. And, of course we don’t have those nasty kinds of thoughts running through our heads most of the time, so we feel that, hey, here’s a guy I can relate to.

In The Matrix, a friend of Neo’s named Choi drops by to pick up some illicit software or data. He sees that Neo looks pretty worn-down and tells him, “It just sounds to me like you need to unplug, man.”

For me, both scenes relate very strongly to the reality of Facebook.

The term “connection” is now ubiquitous. You cannot escape it. It seems a thing valued in and of itself. To be connected is good. To be disconnected is bad.

Decades ago, when I saw that cellphones were becoming pervasive (and invasive), I questioned the wisdom of it. I avoided owning a cellphone for as long as I could. I viewed them as electronic tethers.

I saw how, once you had a cellphone, people felt entitled to a connection with you, anytime and anyplace, regardless of any concerns or boundaries you might have. The old “ball and chain” is no longer a nagging, controlling wife, it’s any fucking wireless device.

Whether you see it or not, it’s a major issue now: boundaries. Our boundaries have been dissolving at an increasing rate for decades.

Way back in the day, before the internet, people with computers and modems connected with each other in a serial fashion. Hobbyists ran BBSs (Bulletin Board Systems) on home computers with dedicated phone lines. You would call them (only when the previous user had disconnected, it was a one-at-a-time thing) with your modem and your computer would connect. The connection speed by today’s standards would be considered hideously slow. Text at 300 baud would literally crawl across your screen.

I actually liked 300 baud. It gave me time to read the text.

And that’s what you did. You read the text that other people wrote. You had time. And those who authored what you read had time to write something that they had thought about. People who spouted the verbal diarrhea now accepted as the norm were viciously ridiculed. Their posts were literally a waste of time (text scrolled by slowly, remember), and regarding them the spacebar or n key was your friend. The spacebar aborted the post, the n key skipped directly to the next post.

You called a BBS because you wanted to read (which meant really consider and enjoy or revile) the content other people wrote, and, by-and-large (depending on which BBS you called), it was stuff worth reading. Collaborative fiction, interesting discussions, humor… it was a gold mine.

Not saying the internet now is not filled with all kinds of awesome. It is. And I do love it. But things were a bit different back then, and I miss it.

There was a wisdom to things back then that is now lost. Back then, there was an understood distinction between what came to be known as “cyberspace” (now an outdated and clumsy term) and “meat space” or IRL (in real life). We often used aliases and realized that there was a real difference between our online personas and our offline personas and our lives. “In real life” pretty much says it all. You were not to take what occurred online too seriously, and taking squabbles from BBSs into “real life” was taboo. You could get banned from a large number of local BBSs for it.

Now there is no separation. But the fact remains, people are somewhat different online. The boundaries, I think, are dwindling. The two worlds are conflating if not totally conflated already. I don’t think this is a good thing. People really don’t appreciate the difference anymore, and our behaviors have not caught up with this fact.

Although there is much less of a sense of anonymity, the feeling of freedom that anonymity gives you–which used to be a really good thing IMO–is still there. People say things online that they would never say in a face-to-face interaction. And they say it a lot. I would wager a large percentage of what people post willy nilly on their fb timelines are things they would never say to others face-to-face. (I’m including myself here and in much of what I have been saying people think and do online.)

We just don’t broach certain topics in social gatherings. The person who brings up politics, religion, or gender issues at a dinner with friends or at a party is considered a boor and is penalized with social pressure. Not so on fb. In fact, quite the opposite. Boorish behavior is often rewarded.

We have developed unspoken rules of etiquette for face-to-face social interactions which have evolved for thousands of years. We have netiquette for online interactions, but netiquette in its current form is dreadfully insufficient. Online behavior is often rude.  It’s negative effects on me have forced me to quit fb.

Netiquette has a lot of catching up to do. It’s more important that you do not type in all caps than to not get up on a soapbox or simply be ugly, complain, or whatever on fb. But they are essentially the same things! To spill whatever ugly thoughts or feelings you have on an issue. To pontificate. To complain. To say whatever you feel like whenever you feel like to an audience that sometimes numbers in the hundreds. Not everyone wants to see that shit. You go to a blog for rants, complaints, opinion pieces, or whatever. I don’t think they belong on something like fb. I am totally guilty of doing it myself, I know. I have learned from consideration that it is a mistake to do so.

People are learning about online consequences with regard to work and the law, but we don’t seem to be even near the clue train when it comes to the social and psychological effects our words have on our fellow human beings and ourselves when we post on fb.

So many people use fb as a soap box for various political or religious issues. Some people use it to condemn and ridicule others willy nilly. Some use it to simply be a spoiled brat and say things that more befit a rotten child than a mature adult. Sadly, these people are often lauded, told “OMG, You are so awesome! I love you!” People love it when a grown adult acts like a shitty 5 year old instead of the mature individual he or she should be? WTF? This demonstrates a fucked up value system.

I don’t want to read that shit. It disgusts me.

So, back to the scene in that movie about the psychic guy. Having quit fb, I have learned in retrospect that many of those thoughts which were being conveyed via so many lines of text, images with captions, links to articles, etc., here, there, and everywhere, were going straight into my head and affecting me emotionally.

Despite what I’d like to think and the admonition that, “You shouldn’t care what other people think,” I realize that I do care what other people think. Probably too much. And I cannot help it.

If I read a ton of filthy crap–and a lot of what people say is pretty much filthy crap–then I feel like filthy crap. I feel hurt, sad, angry, and somehow insecure, as if a number of things I had read were aimed at me. And, by way of an author’s use of generalizations, it kind of is aimed at me. People talk about this kind or that kind of person. Sometimes I am that person. White people. Men. People who do this or that. People who believe this or that.

So many fb posts = <bitch, rant, moan, complain, pontificate, blame, claim victimhood with no agency or personal causation in regard to the problem>.

A lot of shitty fb posts begin with or contain the words, “I wish.”  Well, I wish they would shut the fuck up. But I am not going to get my wish any time soon. Neither are they, conceptual posters of fb horeshit. So maybe we should do something mutually beneficial concerning this?

Personally, I hate it when people play the victim and do nothing about it except complain and drain energy. There is a metric fuck-ton of that on Facebook.

Regarding Facebook, I realized that, holy fuck, I feel victimized. Well? What am I doing about it? Just bitch? Claim victimhood on fb while demonstrating a fucked-up sense of entitlement like I find in so many posts that I hate?

No. I did the only thing I felt I could do. I quit Facebook.

I guess the purpose of falling is to get back up, and it’s nice when we can. I think we often can, even when we feel like we can’t.

But the picture produced by the sentiment is usually a nice one. You just stagger up, wipe the dust off of your ass with a cowboy hat as you smile and laugh, and an audience laughs back and nods approvingly. And that’s that.

But it often isn’t like that. When it’s really important, those are the times when you’re like someone who has had the shit knocked out of him, and you go to get up, but fall again, and do it again and again and each time it really hurts and feels like a full-on failure. But you eventually get to a place where you can sit for a while. Then you try to take a step, and you might make a few, but then you fall again. And again.

But the thing is, it’s at that point that the sentiment is most important. That you just have to gather your strength and get back up, again, and again, and again, until you have a steady gait again and can go where you want to go.

And it might take a bunch of shenanigans to get yourself to do something like that… and a whole lot of your energy. So I guess we have to pick our wolves and let go of some stuff that is sapping our energy, and maybe some stuff we like… but that’s a matter of priorities.

None of us has an infinite amount of time here or an infinite amount of energy.

Sometimes I think things are just not worth the effort or just not in the cards for me. But other times I think about the fact that I have quit smoking and just what that means.

I used to think that quitting smoking was impossible for me, and it really made me feel like shit. It made me feel like a weakling and a loser. I suspected that I could, at some point and in some way, manage to do it, but I was more convinced that the addiction had grown stronger than me, and at this point I could not do it.

But I could. And I did.

I did it in a very strange way. I did it by trying and failing several times. I did it by biding my time, by smoking while I wanted to smoke, getting all that smoking in while I still wanted to do it. I did it by being lazy. I did it by striking while the iron was hot. And I did it by kinda lying to myself… but in a way that was still kinda true.

Quitting smoking is not something you automatically get right the first time. It isn’t simply a matter of willpower. It is something you have to figure out how to do, because cigarettes are tricky. The addiction makes your mind and heart do all kinds of fucking things to keep you smoking cigarettes.

Besides the health benefits, the big thing that quitting smoking has done for me is this: I know now that losing at something and feeling like a total loser is not the same as being a total loser. Just because you think you don’t have it in you doesn’t mean that you don’t have it in you.

This may be obvious, intellectually, that, of course, we think shit about ourselves that isn’t true. Learned helplessness is not valid, of course. It’s a learned perception that is almost categorically false. And it is easy to think these thoughts. It is quite another, however, to believe that in your gut. Quitting smoking has helped me get that a little bit into my gut.

I can now look at things and go, hey, you know, maybe I think that this or that isn’t in the cards for me, that I don’t have what it takes… but you know what? I also believed that about quitting smoking. And I fucking quit smoking. So guess what? Maybe I just need to keep failing and taking time off and failing and taking time off until during one of those periods in which I take time off I actually learn something and start making successes instead of failing.

Some people take to things like fish take to water. Others have a great deal of trouble with getting things off the ground. In some areas, I am definitely one of the latter. But that is ok. Just because you fail and fail and fail does not mean you aren’t cut out for something. It just means that there is something important for you to learn.

In terms of smoking it was this:

Smoking is not a freedom. Freedom is doing what I want and not doing what I don’t want. If I don’t want to smoke, I should be able to not smoke as long as I don’t want to smoke.

Smoking is a lie. The good things that smoking supposedly did for me was bullshit. I was getting little to nothing out of smoking, and the pleasure of smoking was mainly due to the fact that I was relieving sensations which were discomforts and senses of need created *by* smoking.

Smoking makes you sick. Straight up. Not just with cancer or emphysema or some other disease years down the line, but now. It affects your health in a negative way pretty much fucking immediately. It fucks with your immune system and fucks with your brain and overall health.

I cannot smoke in moderation. I cannot control the habit. I must destroy the habit and simply never smoke.

I thought this last thing was impossible. NEVER smoke? Yes. Never smoke. NEVER. Just don’t fucking do it. So long as you don’t smoke, it isn’t a problem. And what are you losing when you don’t smoke? Not much. You’re basically losing a toxic lie.

These are the basic things I learned that helped me quit. I also got sick (a cold basically) and wouldn’t heal if I smoked. Every time I smoked a cigarette, the congestion would get worse and remain that way for a while. One cigarette could influence how I felt for 6 or more hours. So, I had immediate feedback here to help me think about smoking.

So, I am thinking, hmmm, what other areas in my life did I feel this way about? What else am I still doing or not doing because I feel there is no other choice for me? Could I be wrong about this stuff too? Is there stuff to learn in these areas as well?

Yes. I think so.

It is sad, but sometimes you’ve got to beat your head against a wall until you learn something. But you’ve got to do it mindfully, not mindlessly. You’ve got to be looking for answers, seeking and thinking, and you’ve got to give yourself a chance. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Vote for yourself. Be your own #1 fan and believer. It’s easier said than done, but it can be done. And even a little bit helps.