Syrup Wars from Timmy Big Hands

The MST3K folks did a comedy website way back in the day named “Timmy Big Hands.”  They featured two competing syrup companies putting ads on the website.

Here is the content:

Hello, it’s me, Clarence Wills. Perhaps you haven’t had a chance to try my Unusually Large Forehead Brand™ Real Maple Syrups. Well, let me tell you, these are all-natural syrups made with care by a man with a large head. Perhaps you’ve got your own ideas about what kind of syrup a man with an unusually large forehead would make. Put those away for now and enjoy the best, most rich-tasting syrup around. Made by me–a man with an unusually large forehead!

Sure, nature produces a pretty good product. But we at TechnoBerry Farms go nature one better, with MapleTane® Recombinant Pancake and Waffle Suspension.
Combining polymeric esters with genetically altered binding agents, produces a syrup that’s smooth and Maple-licious™, every time. And we put our genetic engineering into our food, not our foreheads like some other brands we know.
So next time you pour on the syrup, think about this: do you want it rich, consistent and dependable from science, or from a guy with a mutated forehead?

We think you’ll see our point.

1.) INDICATIONS. Possible indications may include dryness and lack of sweetness in pancakes, waffles, Johnny cakes, flannel cakes, flapjacks and other non-yeast raised flour and baking powder/soda and/or buttermilk-activated aerated batter-derived griddle or iron-cooked breakfast cake. 2.)DOSAGE. Initially, 10mL MapleTane per serving for adults, 5mL for children under 12, no more than twice per breakfast and no more than three times per week. 3.) POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS. These may include intestinal cramping, increased intestinal gas and softening of the stool, accompanied by explosive movment of the bowels and possible bleeding of the anus due to rupture of the bowel wall; vomiting, dry throat, nausea, expectoration of green mucus accompanied by increased bile out put and elevated liver and gall bladder function; dizziness, excitability, irritability, loss of sleep, drowsiness, hallucinations and in extreme cases spontaneous human combustion and/or speaking in tongues. 4.DO NOT USE MAPLETANE if you are taking an antidepressant or MAO inhibitor, insulin, enteric-coated aspirin, antihistamine or antacid of any kind. Do not combine with alcohol or any prescription depressant. Do not mix with butter or caustic fumes my result. Avoid prolonged contact with mucus membranes. If contact with eyes is made, flush with water and seek immediate medical attention.

Here at TechnoBerry Farms, we’ve been hearing a lot of talk about this or that syrup producer replacing his or her head with one fancy new thing or another. Excuse the pun, but we think that’s “wrong-headed”™; and no way to make a good old-fashioned syrup.

So at Technoberry Farms, we’ve done nature one better® by isolating a microorganism capable of excreting an organic compound that tastes just like sweet, pure syrup from the maple tree.* And it self-replicates, so you’ll never run out! It’s called RecombiLicious™, and we know you’ll love it.

Let those other guys swap heads all day long. Just remember us at breakfast.

*WARNING: RecombiLicious ™ Self-Replicating Viral Syrup Replacement (Benign) remains classified a toxic biochemical agent by the Environmental Protection Agency. RecomboLicious must be stored at all times in a certified cryogenic containment vessel at a temperature on no higher than123°K. Exposure to RecombiLicious is consdered a Level Three Contamination Risk by the World Health Organization. If RecombiLicious is found exposed to the air within a five-mile radius of any populated area, Federal law mandates that the Centers for Disease Control must be contacted immediately. For information on obtaining a license to handle RecombiLicious, please contact the United States Department of Health Publications Office, Licensing and Certification Division, PO Box 801, Pueblo, CO 51550

Hello, it’s me, Clarence Wills. A lot of the folks who enjoyed my Unusually Large Forehead Brand pure maple syrups might be a little surprised to see my head completely gone–and replaced with the head of a large, genetically mutated bald eagle! Well, I felt I had to, if only to prove to you that year after year, I produce the finest maple syrups drawn from maple trees that have been on the family farm for centuries. I don’t make my syrup out of polymers and Naugahyde like the newer brands. Oh, they like to make a lot of noise, and spend a lot of money. Meantime, I’ll be here on the farm, with my large, genetically mutated eagle head, making the finest all-natural syrups you’ve ever poured.

Hello, it’s me Clarence Wills. You know, it seems like every company with bucket-loads of investment capital and a huge R&D department thinks it can make a better syrup than mother nature herself. When I finally tasted “the other guy’s” syrup, my course seemed clear. “Clarence”, I said to myself, “time to turn your head into a hideous tube of flesh covered with thick, black insect-like hairs….and to just keep making the best all-natural syrup you know how.” Here on the Wills Family Farm, nothing’s changed–hasn’t for over a hundred years–except for the fact that I can’t see or hear because of the mutations to my head. Same old syrup, just a different head!

Flavor. That’s really what breakfast is all about. Forget fancy gimmicks, slick promotions, even nutrition. If your breakfast doesn’t wake up your taste buds, it might as well be lunch.

Here at TechnoBerry Farms, we’re frankly sick of the competition gobbling up market share with their so-called down-home spokesperson who’d strap on the head of an aardvark if he though it would sell syrup.

We’d rather wake up your taste buds.

Introducing Sweet-a-Sulfate™, made especially for waffles, designed to pour smooth and rich, and evaporate sedimentary deposits from the waffle surface.

If that doesn’t wake up your taste buds, nothing will.

Warning: to be used as a waffle surface removal agent only. Harmful or fatal if swallowed. Contact with skin will cause severe burns. Contact with eyes will cause blindness. Contact with mucous membranes is known to initiate an osmotic absorption and can cause blood poisoning. Sweet-a-Sulfate is a known carcinogen. It is unlawful to transport Sweet-a-Sulfate without Federal authorization. Use of Sweet-a-Sulfate to synthesize explosives is unlawful.

Take a look at me. Go on, take a good look. No mutations here, my friends, no frightening head transplants. Just me, Garrick Partridge, exactly as God made me.

And see this apple? We created it. From virtually nothing, in a Petri dish, we made an apple. Who else can do that? Nobody. Just God and us. Sure, the apple is still highly toxic, but that’s not the point.

The point is syrup. Ours is the best, period. Created from nature’s own pure chemicals and genetic material to taste as good–no, better–then the real thing.

Don’t be fooled by idiotic clowns with colorful, exciting heads. That’s a lot of crap. Our syrup is the best you can buy, so buy it, unless you’re stupid and easily swayed by funny heads.

Look, just buy our damn syrup, okay?

Hello, it’s me, Clarence Wills. Some friends have written recently and said they’ve been disturbed by my latest head mutations. The eagle head didn’t have the comforting effect I’d hoped, and the hideous tube of flesh? …Well, guess not all the folks can see the positive side of that like I can.

So here’s a new head, that of an attractive young woman — even if she might be a bit insane. But there’s nothing insane about the down-home quality of our maple syrups — delicious and always 100% natural, even if my head is not.

Hi folks, it’s me, Clarence Wills. Well, I’ve gone and changed my head into that of a translucent space being from a highly advanced civilization. Thought you might like that. But that doesn’t mean we’ve up and changed the old fashioned way we make our down-home maple syrup. No, other companies may use science fiction-like methods to manufacture their syrup products, but the only futuristic thing you’ll find here on the Wills Family Farm is my new head.

We’re taking the high ground in breakfast flavor, once and for all. And we’re taking no prisoners. TechnoBerry Farms introduces MapleSat, a global network of maple flavored focused-beam laser-armed satellites orbiting the world’s population centers. Which means you can have our delicious syrup applied directly to your pancakes, digitally, from anywhere in the world. What’s more, MapleSat’s lasers are weapons-class, which means we can clear out a whole city block in an instant. Right now we have one trained on a certain ambiguously-headed fellow named Clarence.

But we could easily train it on you. Think about that next time you have pancakes or waffles.

Hello, it’s me Clarence the Lion. Rooarr! When I was human, many of you enjoyed the fine syrups…Roaaarrrr!! I’m so sorry. My leonine nature is beginning to take…Roarrr! Roooar! …… gulp …Syrup…all that makes me human, slipping away… Roar… all-natural… Roar! Roar! Syrup.